Out of the blue………

For years, I was in shock – I was numb, it was like I was living with no conscious knowledge of past events………

Then like a ton of bricks, the realization that it had happened consumed me……..Yes it had happened to me. Yes this was real…

Well what exactly happened…?! Why had I never stopped to face it ? Could I even compute or comprehend ?

Could this be, all this - then what did I do, what did I do wrong, what signals did I give, why……. why am I even raising it now ?!!

With this new found understanding, am I now doomed to live in the world of “happened to” in isolation with shame, guilt and these dark secrets……..with only my fellow “happened to beings” and “happened to sympathizers” never to return to life in the world as I knew it ? Am I broken ?

I would ignore it and get on with it, that is what you do, that is I could do, for after all I had been taught that you keep going, get on with things and in time it would all disappear. I had been taught that if I wore the right clothes – was attractive but not too alluring, was pretty but not too irresistible, nice but not misleading, intelligent but not threatening - that these things would not happen to me, they only happened to girls who got it wrong, sure it was a tight-rope to walk, but I could do it, I was told I was bright, and I wouldn’t let my parents down……………

Still it had happened …innocence stolen at 18…..didn’t see it coming, then it happened again……I was 20, then at 21….and so on………. different scenarios, different men, different levels of sexual violence……I tallied up the events clinically & categorized them by level of horror…. two rapes, three assaults (maybe one of these was also rape), some things were lacking in definition so it got a bit vague, but I concluded I was just at the bottom of that Bell Curve and that much like some people were lucky, I was the unlucky one at the other end. That was logical wasn’t it ? Don’t get me wrong, life wasn’t all bad, I had had good sexual experiences, actual consenting ones, well sometimes to avoid possible confrontation if I was unsure, but mostly because I actually wanted to……. somehow they felt quite disconnected with few exceptions.

The girl I once was, had become locked away, keys beyond reach……………..but I had felt this way for so long….I barely noticed anymore..

It would take me almost two decades to ask for help. I mean to really ask for help…..

Sure, I had tried to reach out for help sheepishly, embarrassed and apologetic to my mother and also a couple of ex boyfriends over the years….but this was not comfortable and words like “we don’t want a scandal” and “ I wish you hadn’t told me” were like a knife through the heart.

Selected friends would listen uncomfortably to watered down versions, and when their faces would give them away and their eyes look too shocked, or they would look away, I would stop to protect them from the real horror, well why should they suffer too ?

I got married at 23, it failed too much too soon I think, but after a while and several years of a mix of turmoil and stability. We were both lost souls at the time but parted friends, and to this day though continents apart remain good friends.

I got married again four years ago “ever the romantic” looking for my prince…….I thought I had found him this time. Beautiful wedding, beautiful honeymoon, life was good!

We had our beautiful and wonderful son, but we had a difficult birth me and him, I felt violated by three monumental attempts to successfully deliver with forceps (I can only imagine what his fragile head was feeling) as we underwent a seemingly medieval medical practice that would prove to take 18 months to recover from……..fortunately Adam was unscarred. After about two months after the birth, I was faced with an unsympathetic husband, who wanted sex. Not just the intimate things we had been doing, but actual penetration. It still sounds outrageous to me, I mean how could this be… I thought he loved me like I loved him…..The 38 stitches had healed I guessed and I felt like the bride of Frankenstein down there, but what remained was an impressive bruise on the inside about the size of a clenched fist… - what ever else was there a train wreck, nothing felt right - and now this because he “has a right to have sex with his wife” ………..would it even be possible ?!!

When did I become a thing, his property, and not a person ? I felt like everything had fallen apart again….my prince had become a frog…….. a toad! I think I began to hate him. I mean we couldn’t part now, what about my baby, he needed his dad. I was trapped. I did what I could and I just got on with it, because that is what you do….. Then I started to be groped in my sleep, never able to rest, going to bed afraid, living with the emotional pain of the betrayal of trust between the sheets after each tear jerking apology. Eventually the train wreck had healed, but I was heart broken.

Feeling pushed and devalued, an object there for the taking, re-opened the Pandora’s box of the past………exhausted my body eventually said “enough!” I had experienced over two years repeated pneumonias, endless invasive medical examinations and tests with no plausible answer….why did I get sick all the time ?

That was my wake-up call. I came to understand that my body literally wouldn’t breathe anymore………..maybe it didn’t see the point. …….I wouldn’t fight………really fight for me.

At that point, I knew I had to find some kind of fight within, some human spirit in me that could save me for myself, and for my now two year old son, before it would become too late. I had seen a glimmer of it over the years when I had rescued myself from outrageous situations, so I knew it was in there.

I contacted the WRASAC in Edinburgh and after some time on a waiting list I got a call that startled me one day. I think it was the word rape spoken, which I myself so carefully avoided…it sounded so stark…… was that really me ?

After a just one session with the support worker, I wanted to get it all out, commit it to paper, make it real, make it heard, share it, face it, stomp it out. I had found a place for it, somewhere to go and someone who would listen, who could understand, who could be there when I needed it most. Someone who without question, would listen and who would believe me, everything I had to tell. What a gift.

My husband though outwardly supportive seemed less at ease with my new found support, and as things in the bedroom escalated as I became more assertive, I decided to give him a final chance, and he blew it.
I asked him to leave, and made him understand that he had killed whatever love had been there, and it was time to say goodbye.

Over the last few months, I have faced my demons, past and present, and had good days and bad days, but I promise you this, I unlocked that girl who was trapped inside myself, and got her back after all these years. She came back to me almost as instantly as she had disappeared – almost out of the blue. It was a rather surreal experience as I finished reading “The Gift of Fear” in an airport. A huge wave of pain washed out of me, and a warm bright light rushed in to fill my heart, like a spirit that had been waiting to come back inside. I know it sounds mad, but it happened.

I feel like I used to feel before any of this happened. I realise now just how much I missed myself, and I will never let my spirit be broken again. I understand that I was much too young to deal with the enormity of what happened to me, and much like a domino effect, event after event coupled will ill advise and social norms, made it impossible to get clarity and recover.

There is still work to be done, but things are so much better already! I realise now that until I addressed these deep traumas and really understood the impact, I could never be happy in any relationship, because I wasn’t happy in myself. I was incomplete, despite a good career, academic qualifications, great friends, and everything carefully designed to look happy on the outside, and I just didn’t understand what was missing.

I have drawn a line between 18 and now, and marked them as “the confused years”. In a funny way, I really feel that I will now get to experience “my first time” at some point in the future when I am ready to, as a complete person in body and mind. So like a thirty-some year old virgin of sorts.. I really feel that anything that I experience in the future in this regard will be pretty special and something I am in control of, and that really I guess I have never had until now.

Whatever advice I can offer now, I gladly share with you:

It’s not your fault. No exceptions.

It may feel you’re stuck, but just a small step at a time and you won’t be in limbo, you are not doomed to walk in darkness for the rest of your life; there are fellow human beings on this earth who can help, who understands, and who wants to help you.

Violence is very real and happens more often that we can comfortably think about. It isn’t just on the TV, in films or headline news.

People who do not understand that violence is a real part of the fabric of our society and who won’t see it, or try to minimize it, can’t help you, even if they want to.

Any man, or woman who hurts you, will continue to do so - and here is the heartbreaking part, doesn’t love you, and will destroy you. It may be or not out of hate, but they will save themselves every time at your expense.

Don’t believe the tears, the declarations of love, the “you made me do it’s” there is no acceptable or plausible excuse, none. It’s their delusion of reality, not yours – unless you chose to buy it despite what you feel inside. It will not make it go away. Trust your instincts.

If you are feeling weak and vulnerable, there will be no shortage of predators of varying nature who will take advantage, for humans are often selfish creatures. Even well meaning individuals may give in to moments of weakness, so keep you eyes open, and know it is ok to let people know where your boundaries are. Fortunately the balance of the scale is a lot heavier when it comes to decent, good human beings, it may not seem like it, but the vast majority of people, wish you well, no harm and respect you as an individual.

The EWRASAC has been my lifeline back without a doubt, and has started me on this journey.

For me personally taking a self defense class right here in Edinburgh at Dynamis Gym, in which my coach has addressed the psychological, emotional and physical aspects holistically, in a rather unique, in-depth and dedicated approach, has truly transformed how I feel about myself, and my environment. I would highly recommend this to anyone.

If you read one book, read the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, it has helped me in so many ways.

There are ways that each one of us can approach a combination of resources available at our own pace, level of comfort and ability, and every step will make you feel safe and find yourself again in your own way.

You have survived so much, so remember that even though you may have lost a battle or two, you don’t have to lose the war. You decide how long you are willing to fight to get yourself back.

I wish you every happiness and light, and share your hope for happier days ahead of you - you will recover and your heart, body and soul will be vibrant and full of life again if you give it a chance - one step at the time.

With all my love x A